


Intangible Happiness

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-12-15
Updated: 2000-12-15
Packaged: 2019-05-15 21:03:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Donna observes Josh.





	1. Intangible Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Hi all,

I'm tempted to just cross all of this out and forget I ever wrote it, but something in me won't hear of it. This is pretty sad though so feel free to throw vermeil at me if you hate it.

I'm borrowing a part of a song from Jewel and a few words from Nina Simone, whom I love dearly.

Disclaimers: Not mine. Sigh. 

Spoilers: The Portland Trip and ISOTG, the shooting et al. 

Archive: why would you want to, but sure, just e-mail me. 

***************

Intangible Happiness

"You took your coat off and stood in the rain, You were always crazy like that. And I watched from my window, Always feeling I was outside, Looking in on you.

You were always the mysterious one With dark eyes and careless hair, You were fashionably sensitive but to cool to care. And you stood in my doorway With nothing to say, Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice, In case you failed to see, This is my heart, bleeding before you, This is me down on my knees And these foolish games are Tearing me apart. And your thoughtless words are Breaking my heart. You're breaking my heart." Jewel, "Foolish Games"

"Of course, I'll let him know right away. I'll also take care of all the arrangements for tomorrow. Thank you for calling so soon. Goodbye."

I hang up the phone as the rain outside is beating fiercely into my window. It's falling opaquely in a wild attempt to cover the earth, to drown everything in its consuming moisture. It's warm and salty and I can taste it. how did it get on my cheek?

Josh is out there somewhere, in the rain. I look out the window - something I do often while waiting for him, even though he can hardly be visible from this side of the building. My office overlooks the green terrace, the rose garden and the weeping willows on the far side of it. I love these willows as if they were my friends.

Suddenly, I see him - just walking out there in the rain, in his custom-made suit and no shoes. I just don't understand it when he's behaving this way - irrationally, to put it mildly. My first impulse is to lean out of the window and call him inside, like a kid that's been out too long, but I fight it and wave to him. He raises his eyes, waves back and heads into the building.

"Just look at this weather!" he exclaims, dripping on my doorway, shoes in his hand, large drops rolling down from his hair and clothing. He's wet through and through but smiling widely. "If you look up and squint your eyes like so, you can see the sun peeking through the clouds."

"This can't be the Tuesday suit," I observe. "You wouldn't do this to any of your 'Joey Lucas' outfits."

"Ah, yes, this is indeed the Tuesday suit! I am here celebrating my deliverance today and you shall be a part of it, Donna, for I am your employee and my day of euphoria is therefore yours."

"What happened?" I feel my face smiling against my will.

He glides between file cabinets, catches my hands and begins to swirl.

"I woke up today and felt a new world was upon me. No regrets, no remorse, no feeling sorry for anything any woman has done to me, no pain from previous injuries. In other words, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good."

He listens to Nina Simone. Oh. My. God.

"Okay," I say, for lack of better words.

"In light of this, I am inclined to personally oversee the happiness of everyone around. Come with me for a walk, will you?"

"You've got Congressman Miller in half and hour."

"I do, don't I?" he asks in a doomed voice.

"Yes, and there's something else I need to."

"Is it business-related?"

"No, it isn't."

"Then it can wait a half an hour while we take a walk," Josh insists.

It can wait, I agree. We already had a talk like that once, and this one won't be any different. He can have another thirty minutes without it.

At this point I allow him to drag me out of the office and we rush back to the terrace. On the way we - well, Josh, but I slam into his back - bump into Sam.

"You look awful," Sam notes to Josh, pointing at him like he's far away. Sam's a stickler for personal hygiene, and the sight of Josh the Untidy is nothing but vile to him.

Josh releases my hand (Sam's eyes enlarge as he notices that gesture) and gives him a big, wet hug. His clothing squishes; Sam yelps and jumps back, shaking water off his suit.

"You're crazy," he says, irritated.

"I'm just hoping it rubs off," replies Josh and we stride past Sam, frozen in infinite stupor.

We capture a bench least shielded from the waterfall of rain and sit down. The rain is warm, but my outfit is completely drenched and my hair will need extensive washing. I must look ridiculous.

Josh is smiling at me. Unlike some people, he manages to look adorable when wet.

"You're a good person, Donna," he says. "You've proven very valuable to me as a coworker and even more so as a friend. There were times I didn't think I'd be able to live another day if it wasn't for your support."

I wish he weren't saying this now. No, I don't.

"If you're talking about the shooting, I don't think there was any other way to behave just then. I would have been as lost without you as you would be without me."

"Yeah," he says thoughtfully. He picks up a tiny flower and tops my hair with it, as if I were a doll. I'm fighting the urge to pull it out - he seems to enjoy decorating me as much as he would enjoy doodling on his blackboard or hanging little ornaments around his office. His office, of which I am but a part.

"Listen," he says. "I feel I should tell you because it's the right thing to do. I'm figuring out just now what it's like to be happy and this feeling is worth experiencing. So I'm just gonna come out with it."

And then he doesn't speak for the longest minute of my life. 

***************

tbc, 

thanks for reading, 

Irene.

  

  

  

  


	2. Intangible Happiness 2

Thanks for the wonderful feedback. Jessica, I don't think I've e-mailed yet to thank you personally, your responses are a joy to me.

This, again, is pretty sad stuff, so feel free to throw things.

Disclaimers in first part.

***

"Well? What were you going to say?"

Josh looks at me as I thrust my watch under his nose. There isn't much time.

"I hate what you're doing with your life," he says. "I dislike your way of existence and I want to put a stop to it."

Great. Whatever shreds of human pride were left in me are now gone, devoured by a single phrase. Thank god it's raining and my face is already wet. Still, I'm fighting back tears.

"You're not going to kill me because my existence is unsuitable, are you?" I feebly attempt a joke, but Josh laughs and shakes his head.

"I just want to give you a few pointers that may set you on the right course, that's all," he explains, looking into the sky. Not at me - he's looking anywhere but at me.

I want to slap him on the face and leave while I can still walk. I want the rain to wash me away, to dissolve my features, to drown me right now so he will feel the smallest bit of compassion towards me - even if I'm gone. They say people's accomplishments are truly appreciated only after their demise - I want him to remember mine. Even if I must die for that to happen.

"Last week, when you had a date with that Todd fellow, I must have pointed out to you that you'd have no future with him." I nod, words choked in my throat. "I stand by that point, Donna. The men you date do not have the least bit of common decency, brains, or even good looks. You can do so much better, if only you set your standards higher."

"It hurts less to fall if your standards are low, Josh," I manage a reply, shocked at the fallacy of my words. Right now I am falling the impossible distance and will be crushed to pieces. It's the most horrifying feeling, close to that of waking up after a free-fall dream. They say you only dream that when your body is growing. Not true.

"That isn't funny," he objects. I think my answer made him angry.

I'm not laughing, Joshua Lyman, am I?

"You're going to end up alone if you don't stop dating losers who never stick around for a second date."

"Josh, you're alone. Why is that?"

"I happen to be a very busy man, Donna. I have no time to date - you, on the other hand, have plenty of free time and need to use it wisely. Don't look so upset. I want your life to be good."

I want my life to be over.

"When a man enters your life, ask yourself - is he worth your time? Will he listen when you talk, will he bring you flowers, will he comfort you in time of need? Will he love you with all of his heart - always?"

No. You will never do any of that. My life, with its bounty of free time that I spend waiting for your wish and command at your office door, is nothing but a silly item for your to put under your merciless microscope.

"Is there anything else?" I ask in a small voice. I can't breathe and talking under this circumstance is rather difficult.

"Donna." He finally looks at me. I don't know what he sees in my face, but his own is now strained with worry. "Are you okay? Look, I'm a happy man today and I want you to be happy. The only reason I'm saying any of this is because. well, I saw this Todd guy at a bar last night, with. obviously someone other than you. You have to break up with him. You don't deserve to be hurt in this way."

This is new. Suddenly, from a monster I thought he was, Josh is turning into someone who cares. All these harsh, insulting words that just poured over me with the warm rain, were an indication of that. He didn't know how to tell me about Todd.

That makes it easier to breathe, but harder to say what I have to say.

"I'm not dating Todd," I explain. "He has every right to be with someone at a bar."

"Oh," says Josh. That's all he says. He looks dumbfounded and water freely rolls down his face like tears.

"As you see, there is no need for you to be concerned about my dignity or self-respect. It was perfectly intact until this very conversation."

"Oh," he says again. "I. I'm sorry. What an idiot I am."

"You're not," I assure him. "I should never have let you have this talk with me. You're my boss, Josh, you've got other things to worry about."

"I worry about you," he says in the sweetest tone of concern.

I look at my watch -32 minutes passed and Miller must be waiting. My heart is still in pain but now it holds no grudge against him. Just pity. He won't be meeting anyone today.

"Joshua, I need to tell you something. I'm sorry to be the one to have to bring this to you \- as sorry as I was the first time I had to bring you bad news. Your mother passed away an hour ago in a hospital at Bridgeport. She didn't wake up and wasn't in any pain."

He is completely destroyed. He's lost, like a little child, and his shoulders begin to shake as he hides his face in my wet hair. Now we can cry together, each for our own losses.

"You're taking an early flight home tomorrow. The funeral is set for 12 pm and I'll help you pack your black suit so it doesn't get wrinkled. I can go with you if you want, but I understand if you want to be alone for a while."

I'm babbling. Josh doesn't listen.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Donna," he whispers into my neck. "This must have been awful for you - listening to me all this time and having to tell me. I'm so sorry. I've no one left in the world but you."

The rain is even stronger now. Josh is sobbing into my chest, and I finally let my tears run free.

"You've got me," I tell him. "You've got me, always."

In all my life until an hour ago, I had no idea what an intangible thing happiness is. 

*****************

Thanks for reading, 

Irene.

The End 

  


End file.
